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Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
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9:33 pm
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Whoa, I am a dork.
I was hanging out with Maria, Tracey, Diana, and Alba over in the cabin, and we were talking about my weekend spending spree and what I brought for entertainment this week. Well, you guys saw what I bought, and I brought Transformers Season 1, Aqua Teen, Beavis and Butt-Head, etc. to watch, like 20 Transformers comics to read, and my Gravis controller so I can play Megaman on Nesticle. I rule.
We ate food from Fox's and watched Seinfeld. Now I am back in my room looking at cars and bikes online!
Ima start watching Transformers Season 1 now! (814) 274-0400, room 204 if you want, but not tooo late; I have to work at 6!
<3
valerie
PS - Josh is doing my Decepticon tattoo this Saturday!
current mood: happy
current music: Transformers theme
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7:17 pm - I GOT THESE CHEESEBURGERS!
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Have you ever picked up your cell phone and waited for a dial tone? I never had... until just now. I feel like an idiot. Haha.
Last night was awesome. I went to South Hills mall with Josh, Adam, and Tiffany, then we met up with TJ, Aiden, Brandon, Duke, Karyn, Cody, and Shana at Mad Mex for Karyn's birthday. The live band sucked, and Adam filled out a comment card with something so funny that I almost peed my pants. I will scan and post it later!
This is some of the coold stuff that I obtained yesterday:
*A Big Lebowski Poster
*20 more Transformers comics (Marvel)
*The Transformers Ultimate Guide
*ATHF action figures - Signal Shake and Glow in the Dark Mothmonsterman
*A Batman shirt
*A shirt with a crossed out cigarette that says "There are cooler ways to die"
*The special edition Don't be a Menace to South Central While Drinking your Juice in the Hood
Whoever said that money can't buy happiness was obviously poor.
We all stayed at TJ's last night and watched Don't be a Menace and Mean Girls. We didn't get to watch Night of the... in Shocking 2D, though, because everyone crashed out by like 4 or 5. Then we got up this morning and watched Batman cartoons and ate cereal. I love my friends! : )
Oh, and Adam is letting me ride his bike next weekend, because I think I want to buy one. I'd never ever ride it at night or on the highway, because they still scare me to death, but for some reason I really started wanting one yesterday. I don't know what my problem is.
Actually, I don't think it's a problem at all. My throat hurts from talking and laughing, and I can't remember the last time I felt so... fun. When I go out with friends now, I have fun and don't feel like I need to distance myself from people. It used to be terrifying. I couldn't ride places with other people, because I never knew when I'd freak out and need to go home.
The best part of getting better is currently my ability to be easily amused once again. The smallest things can make me so happy. It's incredible. Josh took me to Bruster's yesterday, and they have this ice cream that tastes like cake batter- with blue FROSTING and sprinkles mixed into it. If I knew how to do a backflip, I probably would have. We also looked at Jetta wagons, and I've pretty much decided against them. I want another Mustang instead, because I can get a newer one for cheaper, and they've always served me well.
Today, I got to see Brian for about two minutes, and I ate pizza with Westfall... then I had to leave for Coudy once again. I'm not sad, though. I'm learning to appreciate my life for what it's become: completely awesome.
When I got here, Maria yelled "VALLLLLLLERRRRIEEEEEEEE!" from her hotel room window, and Tracey just knocked on my door to ask me to go get food with everyone. : )
<3
valerie
current mood: happy
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| Friday, September 23rd, 2005
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9:07 am - change of pace/ this time i'll get it right
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8:34 am - the last public entry.
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"It's okay to hate him if it makes things easier for you. Don't worry about hurting him, because was he really worried about hurting you? He abandoned you after he promised you he wouldn't. You are doing the best you can, and if that's not good enough for someone, then you have to ask yourself if he's really worth it."
"You have to decide how long you're going to let this affect you. How long are you going to keep punishing yourself for something that's not entirely your fault?" - my mom
Some days I feel okay, but some days I feel hopeless. Yesterday was obviously the latter. I try not to think about it too much, but that's hard. I can't comprehend why you'd completely abandon someone you claim to love. He's not here for me anymore at all. Our friendship is so shallow that it's almost pointless, and I don't know how much longer I can stand that.
<3
valerie
PS - Think twice before you comment on these types of entries. I'm obviously upset lately and in need of support. If you upset or annoy me any more, I won't hesitate to delete you from my friends list. I've already started to delete people.
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| Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
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4:11 pm
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This is not an accurate portrayal of my life, of my insides.
This has all been a lie.
It wasn't supposed to be.
I'm sorry.
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11:01 am - "there's so much in you, so much more than anyone will ever know..."
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Today, I am starting the law school application process.
I'm applying to the following schools for admission next fall: University of California Hastings (San Francisco), University of California Davis (Sacramento), Temple (Philly), Villanova (Philly), Rutgers (Camden, NJ).
Backup schools: WVU, University of San Francisco, Golden Gate University (San Francisco, obviously), Widener (Delaware).
Notice that I'm not applying to any Pittsburgh schools, and I have backups in other states. This means that in 9 months, I will most definitely be moving out of Pittsburgh. It seems like that's a long time, but I know it'll go by so fast. Just think about the past 9 months!
And after this month, I will have enough money to pay off all of my credit cards. Now I just need to find a real job to start next month so I keep having a nice income. That should be easy, since I now have legal experience to supplement my education! Unfortunately, then I will have to start paying a car payment and what I owe my mom. But that's nothing compared to $5,000 worth of 20-27.99% APR credit card balances!
Oh, and about the vagueness the other day... Certain things were making me think I might be getting manic. I'm currently on anti-depressants, which bring me up, but I haven't yet reached my full dosage of mood stabilizer, which will balance me out and keeps me from going too far up... so I was worried that that's what was happening. I've been a little flightly lately, in case you didn't notice.
But it turns out that I'm probably not manic at all- it was probably just excessive amounts of caffeine. I stopped drinking a million cups of coffee, shots of espresso and diet mountain dew yesterday, and now I seem to be doing fine. And the ideas and stuff are most likely just a result of my newfound freedom and love for life. I haven't been excited about anything in a very long time, so it may seem like I'm going a thousand miles per hour when I'm actually just functioning like a normal human being for once in a long time.
Oh, and I was thinking about going to see The Spunks at BNW tomorrow night, but I'd have to hurry home... then I realized that they're playing a late show at the Smiling Moose! So I'll probably go to that if I get enough rest tonight.
Does anyone want to go shopping at Pittsburgh Mills H&M with me on Saturday? I'm getting annoyed, because I have SO much money, but nowhere to spend it!
<3
valerie
current mood: caffeine-free : (
current music: The Nerve Agents - Starting Point
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| Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
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10:20 pm
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THIS PLACE is my temporary home. Yes, pray for me.
I went shopping in New York tonight.
I saw a house that collapsed.
Lights out.
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12:49 pm - i remember every bridge i've ever jumped off blindly
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The best part of all of this is getting back in touch with friends I've neglected over the years. There are still a lot more whom I haven't "had time for," but now that I plan on never again completely immersing myself in one person, I will have time for so much more!
Oh yes, she will be mine...
(or one like her)
<3
valerie
current mood: excited
current music: LTJ - Bridge and Tunnel Authority
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7:59 am - i've been asleep for far too long
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So I've totally picked up a NY accent here. HOT.
I just drank a Starbucks Doubleshot, then we're going to make lattes in a bit, then I'll probably have a sugar free Red Bull later. Haha. I'm also being guilt-tripped into going to the gym later, because everyone else goes. Whatever, I'll use the elliptical runner then sit in the jacuzzi for an hour.
It turns out that being single is pretty awesome. It's been so long that I didn't really remember what it was like, so I was totally scared. But I'm better off without someone who isn't willing to try to understand that I have a chemical imbalance and give me time to get it under control. But along those lines, I guess this will be entirely my gain... and entirely his loss, because I'm going to be more awesome than I ever was when I was crazy and depressed.
Prepare for things to get interesting very soon...
so what have we really learned today?
(that some things are easier when we walk away)
<3
valerie
current mood: happy
current music: The Bronx - Strobe Life
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| Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
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9:29 pm - holy hell!
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"Just yesterday Timmy Chunks (r87 guitar) and Gary (r87 drums) and i started anew band...bass player to be announced shortly." - Eric Ozenne
!!!
<3
valerie
current mood: uberfuckingexcited
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11:06 am
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"There are worse things you can do to the people you love than kill them.
You can watch the world do it." - Chuck Palahniuk, Lullaby
I don't even know what's going on right now. I don't know why I'm writing this. The last entry pretty much summed up all I have to say. There are like two people in the entire world I can talk to about this.
<3
valerie
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1:00 am
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Fuck!
current mood: indescribable
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| Monday, September 19th, 2005
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7:40 pm
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Reasons why my job rules:
* I'm currently sitting outside listening to Bad Religion and working from my laptop.
* I can wear whatever I want.
* I can start work just about whenever I want! I can come in at 6, which means I'll be finished at 6, giving me time to go to the gym every night! Apparently, they have a jacuzzi and sauna and whatnot... but they close at 8, so we haven't been able to go. I've made friends here, and they're all pretty awesome. I think I forgot my workout clothes, though, so I'll have to shopping with the big pile of money they gave me this morning!
* Tomorrow, I am bringing my espresso machine, so I can make mochas at my desk!
* I get to eat free Froot Loops for breakfast at the hotel!
* I got $350 to spend however I want this week! Of course, it needs to go toward paying off my credit card bills, but I can probably get some Seinfeld DVDs whenever we make the trek up to the mall in NY this week!
I had almost forgotten how much I love Against the Grain. I should get back in touch with Graffin. It's been like 5 years now! I know I have his ICQ number written down somewhere, and I guess I could look to see if it's still on my old hard drive. It probably is. I could also probably just email him or do an ICQ search using his email. I hate ICQ, though. I don't even remember my login or anything. I guess that'll give me something to do in the hotel tonight if we don't go out anywhere... haha.
<3
valerie
current mood: happy
current music: Bad Religion - The Positive Aspect of Negative Thinking
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9:05 am - carpe diem
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I seem to have fallen in love again.
With myself.
I woke up this morning, and it was like that time Angela Chase woke up and did the dance to Blister in the Sun... for real this time.
"I loved Jordan Catalano so much, and talked about him so much, and thought about him so much, it was like he lived inside me. Like he'd taken possession of my soul, or something. And then one day… I got over him. It was like Jordan Catalano had been surgically removed from my heart."
My life is finally my own again, and this time, no matter if I'm with someone or not, I'm keeping it.
if you know what i mean
then live for yourself
because life is too short
to waste it on somebody else
<3
valerie
current mood: happy
current music: Less Than Jake - Magnetic North
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| Sunday, September 18th, 2005
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3:06 am - Westfall quote time!
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"I'm gonna go leak some piss out of my dick."
"I'm going to bed; fuck this shit."
current mood: amused
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| Saturday, September 17th, 2005
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6:36 pm - grr
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Ugh, I just got a call for another job at Ariba! I loved that place so much, but I don't think I'll be able to do it, because I'm tied to this job for the next month or so... : (
And apparently, Jetta wagons are hard to find, and finding a black on black one is next to impossible, unless I buy a new one. So I'm trying to decide what other car I want, and I'm thinking about buying another Mustang. The two I've had have held up really well, despite being treated like total crap. The first one, which belonged to my parents, survived both my brother and I driving it in high school, and I've had my current one for more than 5 years. So say what you will about Ford cars, because most of them do suck, but the Mustang has been good to me. So I'm thinking about getting a convertible... or a GT. I'm not sure just yet, but I need to find something soon!
JEN is coming to the show tonight!
<3
valerie
current mood: excited
current music: AFI - Porphyria
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4:25 pm
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Happy Birthday Jamie Lee!
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2:00 pm - No lj-cuts here! Eat it!
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Holy hell, I must have been tired, because I slept until just now! I missed my bed so much; it's the comfiest ever. And the kitties were so cuddly this morning when I let them come in to sleep with me!
I woke up this morning without the slightest bit of anxiety running through my body. That, coupled with my reaction (or lack of) to totalling my car last night and almost getting stuck 4 hours from home, is proof to me that I am okay now. After the wreck, I got out of my car and suveyed the damage. I realized that I was laughing out loud, and I wondered if it would only be seconds until I reduced to a heap of uncontrollable sobbing and feelings of helplessness. But I didn't. It was genuine laughter. There I was, in the middle of nowhere, and there were sticks and weeds sticking out of the front end of my car. A guy who stopped to help had pointed out "your headlight cover is broken," and I laughed at the fact that it had already been broken. Nevermind the fact that my airbags had been deployed, which busted my lip open and left chemical burns of some sort on my arms. I wasn't concerned about that. The car was still running (yeah, I thought the gas was supposed to cut off after the airbags come out?) and the wheels were still able to turn, which meant I hadn't broken an axle! It looked like all I needed was a new tire, then I could at least try to get out of Buttville!
Apparently, the Mustang can take one hell of a hit to the front end and still be sort of okay... amazing!
So I called AAA, and they sent a tow truck.
However, getting a new tire wouldn't be as easy as one would think. Apparently, cars out there don't normally require low profile tires, and 90% of the shops were closed anyhow. Fortunately, Mike, the tow truck guy, was really, really nice! He took me back to his shop, and when he didn't have my tire, he didn't charge me the $2.50 a mile fee (it was 15 miles from where I wrecked.) Instead, he called a bunch of places and somehow got the guys at Firestone in Bradford to stay late! They were supposed to close at 7, and we were 26 miles away (on crappy roads,) but I ended up getting a tire! The tow truck fee plus tire and installation ended up costing me about $200, but I don't even care.
I got home before midnight! What a pain in the ass.
Oh, and my "Air Bag" light is on. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME KNOW, CAR! The huge pieces of canvas jutting out from the steering wheel and dashboard plus the smoke smell certainly weren't enough!
My lip is still a little swollen, but the burns/scrapes aren't as noticable now. I'm going to shower, then go get some Taco Bell with Josh, because I'm having withdrawl. Then I'm going to check out some VW dealerships!
<3
valerie
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12:01 am - "face it; it's time, time to move on..."
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Something hit me while I was driving home and listening to Redemption 87: it's time for me to move on in so many ways.
First, I need to move on with relationships. I'm confident that I'm going to be okay, and there are definitely people out there who would be really good to me. I'm not going to be looking for a relationship or even asking people out on dates, but I've decided to not be so repulsed by the thought of dating if someone asks me.
Next, I need to move on to a new car. I'm totally attached to the Mustang, and I'll probably cry when I actually have to hand over the keys, but after tonight, I think I've pretty much rendered it completely unsafe. I do have some replacements in mind, and I will be test driving them tomorrow (like the VW Jetta Wagon!)
Finally, I need to move on to another city. As much as I yearned for Pittsburgh while I was in Buttville, I've also come to realize that I've pretty much outgrown this city. I want more buildings... different buildings. I want to go to shows and meet new people. I want to eat new foods and discover new places. I want to get a worthwhile job and go to a good law school.
I don't mean that I want to forget the old ones. Each of these things/people will always hold a place in my heart, but it just seems like it's a good time to change them all at once... now that I've proved to myself that I can handle being on my own if that's how it needs to be.
So I'm thinking: Philly, NYC, or California?
<3
valerie
current mood: unstoppable
current music: Redemption 87
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| Friday, September 16th, 2005
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3:07 pm
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So now the warehouse is LEAKING. The table next to me is soaked, and I'm hooked up to electric and ethernet lines that are dripping with water. So I'm going home! (If I can get ahold of my mom!) See you in 4 hours, Pittsburgh!
<3
valerie
current mood: excited
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